BEAM ME DOWN, SCOTTY

FIRST REACTION

If it wasn't for the Marlboro advert I'd think this was Mars.

COUNTRY AND REGION

You've landed on the Buckskin Mountains in western Arizona, just over 100 miles north-west of Phoenix.

NATURE OF THE TERRAIN

Rocky, mountainous, sandstone desert - and lots of it. About five miles away, the Bill Williams river offers some relief from the relentless heat.

ALTITUDE

About 3,000 feet.

NEAREST SETTLEMENT

The small town of Swansea is only a couple of miles away.

POSSIBLE HAZARDS

Sunburn and heat-stroke - if you make it out alive. This is an area where the hotness of the summer is measured according to the number of days that reach 110F. Rattlesnakes and other poisonous creatures abound, so be careful where you tread.

USEFUL LANGUAGES

You and the locals speak almost the same lingo. Just over 100 years ago, a smattering of Spanish, Apache, or Navajo would have come in handy.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

In case you didn't know, William Jefferson Clinton is the President of the United States of America.

LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS

Hot. I hope you've brought a hat, because it's over 100F. No chance of any rain.

REASONS FOR HANGING AROUND

Unfortunately most of the interesting sights in Arizona are over 100 miles away. The nearest is what used to be London Bridge, which now crosses the waters of the stagnant Colorado river at Lake Havasu City, about 40 miles away.

GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE

Follow the Bill Williams river upstream for about 20 miles until it crosses US Highway 60. If you manage to hitch a ride into Phoenix, 80 miles away, you can get a direct flight to the UK.